Find out what to do if you are using sex addictively to avoid anxiety, take away stress, fill up emptiness or to get validated.
Robert consulted with me because his wife, Andrea, was no longer interested in having sex with him. “Andrea says she feels objectified when we make love, and I don’t know what that means,” he stated. “I love her and I don’t think I see her as an object.”
“Robert, when you want to make love to her, why are you wanting to make love? What is motivating you?” I asked.
As we explored this question, it became apparent that Robert’s desire for Andrea was generally motivated, not only by his physical need for sex, but also by his need to be validated by her and to relieve his stress. No time in his discussion with me did he say he wanted to make love to her as an expression of his love for her. At no time did he state that there were many ways he enjoyed sharing his love with her, such as spending time together, sharing fun, affection and cuddling. His focus in being with Andrea was in having sex with her, and if she didn’t want to, he was generally angry or withdrawn. While he professed that he was expressing his love when I asked him about it, his behavior was anything but loving.
