Many of us don’t realize when we’re being manipulated. We may have an uneasy feeling in our gut that doesn’t match the manipulator’s words, or we may feel trapped into agreeing with a request. Most people react to the manipulator in ways that escalate abuse or play into the hands of the abuser, thus making the victim feel small and guilty. It leads them to retreat and allow unacceptable behavior. If you had a manipulative parent, it might be harder to recognize in a partner because it’s familiar. Ancient wisdom to “know your enemy” is essential when dealing with a manipulator. Being able to spot these hidden arrows allows you to respond strategically to covert manipulation. Understanding what they’re up to empowers you.
Covert Manipulation
When people behave passive-aggressively, what appears passive or defensive is covert aggression. It’s debatable to what extent their behavior is conscious or unconscious. To the victim, it doesn’t matter. The effect is the same. Being overly-empathetic puts you in jeopardy of being mistreated again and again. When someone attacks you overtly or covertly, they’re being aggressive.
Psychologist George Simon argues that these covert manipulators intentionally say and do things to get what they want ― for power and control. For people characterlogically disturbed, such as sociopaths and narcissists and some people with borderline personality disorder, he maintains that their tactics aren’t unconscious in the way that defense mechanisms normally operate. However, their behavior is so habitual that over time it becomes reflexive. They don’t even think about it but are still conscious of it.
