How you related to your mother when you were young has a profound impact on your adult relationships—and your relationship with yourself. Your temperament, feelings of self-worth, anger style, sense of humor, and outlook on life are all things that were affected by your mother (or another primary female caretaker).

While some were lucky enough to have a loving, supportive, and present mother who never caused us emotional distress, many of us weren’t. If you are one of the unlucky ones, this article is for you.

I wish I could say it’s never too late to repair your relationship with your mother and leave it there. But the whole issue of repairing is too complicated for that. For some, it is, in a way, too late. Your mother may have passed, or you may have decided that your relationship with her is too painful or harmful to keep her in your life. In cases like these, the repaired relationship is one you carry within yourself, which helps you heal and feel whole, even in her absence. For others, though, the repairing may include her—if you choose to.